i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
