Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
