I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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