every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
