I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
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