i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
