Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
