Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
