I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
