Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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