why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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