Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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