i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
