I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
