Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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