if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
