1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
