I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
