I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
