we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
