I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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