He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
