I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
