I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize