New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
