By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
