he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
