Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So vagazzling was a success
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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