You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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