What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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