**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize