It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
