I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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