sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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