isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
