My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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