Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
