Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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