DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
