sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
