when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
