idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
