Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
