The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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