Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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