Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
