I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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