I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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