i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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