Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
