I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Someone came in the potted fern
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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