your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Semen is not good for contacts.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Randomize
