I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
