I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The best revenge is premature balding
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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