My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
