This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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