Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
