I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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