I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
