shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
