Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Randomize
