if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
